Oh no there isn't - Oh yes there is!

The Chatham Empire

I'm just old enough to remember the last days of the 'British Musical Theatre'.

My God Father 'Uncle Phil' was a sailor and had been based at Chatham Dockyard so he was a regular attendee at the Chatham Empire. As were my Nan and Grandad Swinbourne.

The Empire building was designed by Frank Matcham and Company, noted Theatre Architects. It was an interesting building which  presented a 'Baroque' elevation to Chatham High Street. On top of the roof was a cupola its finial supplanted by ship shaped weather-vane.

I was taken to the Empire by my Uncle Phil with Auntie Joyce and by my Nan and Grandad- Mabel and George.


My Uncle Phil taught me to say to my Mum and Dad - "Can I go to Chatham to see some crumpet", -  the less than politically correct way of me asking to go to the 'Empire' to watch the 'dancing girls.


I can remember some of the acts I saw performing at the theatre, not because I have a phenomenal memory for detail but because the acts didn't change.  Television in Britain was in its infancy and Music Hall entertainers were used to traveling around the United Kingdom, performing in hundreds of local theatres.  The music hall performer only needed two or three different acts and as long as they traveled widely and remembered which act they had performed where last, three well honed acts could last them a life time.

I remember seeing Wilson, Keppel and Betty performing their famous Egyptian sand dance. One of them would come out and throw sand on the stage and then all three would dance in it to the music of the familiar Egyptian Ballet by Alexandre Luigini.  (you know the one......... der-dee- der -der- der, der-dee, der-dee, der-dee-der).  I was totally bewildered by this act.  As a three year old who had never left Kent, I think I believed they were from Egypt!

Betty had yet to enter stage right

'Jimmy James and his gang' was one of my favorite turns. He had two acts that I can remember - 'In the Box' and 'The Chipster'.

'In the Box' was a bizarre three way conversation about animals brought back from the colonies.

'The Chipster' a monologue about the rewards and risks associated with the fish and chip shop industry. The financial benefits of 'two burners going day and night', but ignore at your peril,  the potential industrial injuries of  working with hot oil and a flour based paste - i.e.'Permanent wink' and 'Batterer's elbow' - .

 Now Jimmy James was on 'the telly' and my Nan and Grandad had a black and white television a 'Ferguson' in a mahogany box. I think I saw 'the Chipster' act on the television by I'm almost certain I saw the 'In the Box' act at the Empire.

Jimmy James on the right

 To view a video clip of the 'In the Box' sketch follow the link:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANIA4IP245c











Another act I remember was the ventriloquist Saveen.  He was very suave and on stage wore a morning coat and  top hat.  He had a girl dummy with pigtails called Daisy May and two dogs, one a real fox terrier and the other a glove puppet.  The real dog sat on a stool and was so well trained to sit still, that I thought it was a puppet until when, at the very end of the act, it jumped down and ran off the stage. Saveen would sing to Daisy May and for some unknown reason this always made me sad and cry.

To view a video clip follow the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF0T3STTzvA

My very favourite turn was 'The Two Pirates'. Two men, one large and one small with a shrill voice would enter the stage.  They both wore stripey pirate tops and mateloe's skirts over tights.  They would do a lot of hand slapping, gesticulating and make apparent preparations for performing acrobatics but I cannot remember them doing anything particularly athletic. They would build the tension moving inexorably towards the finale when the smaller of the two would  balance 'fingertip-to-fingertip' on the larger one.  As the attempt was made it became quite clear that the smaller pirate was being 'flown' on a wire rather than being supported by the larger pirate's finger. At the point where the audience started to laugh, the smaller pirate would shout 'Oh no there isn't'.  The audience including me would shout back 'Oh yes there is'. Both sides would repeat this several times and then the smaller pirate would shout in falsetto 'It's a lie'. I saw them several times and the act was always exactly the same - bless!

The Two Pirates

My reconstruction of the finale of the Two Pirates act on the stage of the Chatham Empire

My last visit to the Chatham Empire was after it had become a cinema.  I watched Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby in 'White Christmas' with my Mum Edna and Dad Joe , Grandad George and Nanny Mabel.

Credits: Wikipedia, 1950's Music Hall UK, British Hall Society, Chris Mullen Heroes of the Early Days and The Stage Archive.